DEAR JANE: I found something disgusting hidden in my boyfriend’s underwear drawer… But am I in the wrong for invading his privacy?

Dear Jane,

I stumbled across something extremely upsetting at my boyfriend’s apartment and I don’t know what to do.

My boyfriend and I were introduced by a mutual friend last year and have been happily together for 11 months.

Our relationship has always been so easy and I truly felt he was ‘the one’. But the other day, something happened that made me question everything.

My boyfriend told me he had found the perfect surprise gift for me to celebrate our first anniversary.

But I hate surprises. So, one morning, while I was alone at his apartment and he was at the gym, I started snooping around to find the present.

I know this sounds awful, but I was dying to know what the gift was and I needed some inspiration for what I should get him in return.

I began to scavenge through his underwear drawer and came across a stack of pictures.

I honestly thought I had hit the jackpot. I assumed he was going to make me a scrapbook or frame some of our favorite pictures together… but no.

The pictures were of his EX-girlfriend…NAKED!

There was a whole stash of her nudes tied together by an elastic band hiding at the very bottom of his drawer.

My immediate reaction was shock and devastation. I was cheated on in a past relationship, and this incident brought back all of those heartbreaking emotions.

After I put the pictures back, I tried to rationalize the situation.

He has always been an amazing partner – and has never given me any reason, until now, not to trust him.

Also, I only came across the images because I broke his trust by snooping around his things.

What do you think, Jane? Should I try and forget I ever found the photographs? Or admit that I invaded his privacy – but demand an explanation?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated,

Underwear Drawer Detective

International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column

Dear Underwear Drawer Detective,

It seems that, based on the beginning of your letter, you are in a healthy and happy relationship. 

So first of all, congratulations! What you have together seems to be a rare gift in these modern times.

As for the scavenging, we all know that curiosity killed the cat, however, curiosity is not a sin.

Whilst I completely understand how discombobulating it must have been to discover naked pictures of your boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend, possessing old photos, even naked ones, does not mean that he is cheating. It doesn’t even necessarily mean that he continues to have feelings for her. 

But neither of us know that for sure, and you won’t know that until you talk to him. 

If I were you, I would approach him in slight embarrassment and explain that you got over-excited about the ‘surprise gift’ he had supposedly picked out for you. Then, you can tell him what you found and ask him about it. 

Don’t demand an explanation because that’s unlikely to elicit anything other than anger.

Tell your boyfriend that you feel insecure about him having naked pictures of a girl that he once loved. 

Then, listen to his explanation and try to hear him out with an open mind.

It’s entirely possible that he doesn’t even remember that the pictures are there. I would honestly never throw personal photographs of anyone away, naked or otherwise.

I would probably stash the pictures somewhere and not give them a second thought. 

Be receptive and calm so that he feels safe enough to give you an honest explanation. 

It is likely that he simply kept the pictures as a memento for someone he once cared about… and then completely forgot he had them.

Dear Jane,

I’m a mid-20s lesbian with a relatively large following on social media.

Most of my content is centered around sexuality and being gay so I think it’s safe to say my identity plays a pretty big role in my life.

A while ago at a gathering, I met a guy who does some work as a video editor. He knew who I was and thought my content was cool.

He offered to help me out with some projects, which I happily agreed to since we seemed to get on well. We exchanged contact info, started talking frequently over the next few weeks, and quickly became good friends.

He’s a naturally flirty and charming guy, which I just found pretty sweet at first.

However, over time I started to become very interested in him – which was a huge surprise to me.

He seemed to share my feelings and, eventually, after meeting up at his place to work on some stuff, we ended up sleeping together.

Now I’m not sure what to do.

He’s a wonderful guy and I’m truly into him and he’s into me too, but being a lesbian is such a big part of who I am and a huge part of my job.

I’m not sure how entering a relationship with a man would affect all of that.

Any advice would be appreciated,

Lesbian In Love

Dear Lesbian in Love,

A large problem in today’s world is how quickly and easily we label everything. 

Whether we are talking about our gender, sexuality, race or religion, labelling can make us feel as though we belong to a tribe. 

It can give us a sense of peace to know we are not alone, especially in an increasingly isolated world – where many of our hours are spent hiding behind a screen. 

As you are discovering, the problem with labels is that, while they can be a comfort, they can also be limiting.

Just because you have spent many years identifying as a lesbian, does not mean that you have to spend your entire life living as one. 

In fact, as the American sexologist Dr Alfred Kinsey explained, sexuality is a spectrum – one that is used to describe a person’s sexual orientation at any given time. The key phrase here is ‘at any given time’.

The spectrum is fluid and people can find their sexuality changing – just as you seem to find yours changing right now. 

And what a gift, as an influencer, to be able to talk about this on your platform! I guarantee that you will not be the only one going through this experience.

I’m sure your followers would appreciate you sharing all the joys, pleasures, fears and insecurities you’re facing as you find yourself suddenly attracted to a man.

You might even gain more followers by sharing this journey, honestly and truthfully.

As I have said before, it matters not who you love but that you love.