Monday’s episode of Made In Chelsea was all about the lock(e)s.
As sick to the back teeth of the pandemic as the rest of us, Ollie Locke and Gareth Locke decided the only way to save 2020 from complete disaster was to become the Locke-Lockes.
Husband and husband: Made In Chelsea’s Ollie and Gareth Locke tied the knot by candlelight in the show’s FIRST EVER wedding on Monday night
MIC’s 20th series has seen Ollie slowly drop each of his extravagant plans for his wedding to Gareth, thanks to COVID-19. And the latest was having to leave their dog, Bear, at home for the wedding lest he ‘steal the last stuffed Dodo’ from their venue – London’s Natural History Museum.
The job of ring bearer is therefore bestowed upon Liv in what she hopefully takes as a sweet gesture.
Elsewhere, Mark Francis is having oysters with Freddie.
We learn that, while the rich tend to have gift-wrapping rooms in their homes, Mark Francis has a present-receiving room.
‘Locking it down before the lockdown!’ As sick to the back teeth of the pandemic as the rest of us, Ollie and Gareth decided the only way to save 2020 from complete disaster was to become the Locke-Lockes
He is explaining what one of these looks like (no doubt a heightened throne-like seat in which he sits while poor people file in one at a time and present him with buckets of myrrh) when Paris stomps in.
She has never met Mark Francis and proceeds to plonk herself down and scream about the Verity situation.
Mark Francis cannot stick this and so tries to detract from the uncouthness of it all by pointing out that Paris has nice fingers.
‘Thanks, yeah, I do hand modelling!’ she says as an aside, before yelling about Freddie treating her like a ‘p***k’!
Mark Francis excuses himself, sashaying his silken face mask around his exhalation points.
Tiff and Melissa meet up to bury the animosity that has been running riot between them.
Habbs is there with her large knife, desperately trying to cut through the tension with it.
‘Ahhh – this is nice!’ she says, as they sit there in morbid deathly silence.
They eventually agree to all be friends. ‘I’m happy we can move forward,’ Melissa says, failing to smile.
Tiff then gets on with some girl talk about how she farted in front of her new boyfriend. That’ll be all that kale, babes.
Tristan and Liv are pretending like they’re not touching each other because of the pandemic.
Harvey brands them ‘asexual friends’ and Tristan winks at Liv. He does like a wink, does Tristan.
Sam is worried about getting back together with Zara because his entire family have an effigy of her that they burnt on Fireworks Night.
He goes out for dinner with mum, Karen – who has gotten even blonder and younger since we last saw her a couple of episodes ago.
She’s fuming he still loves Zara but does the motherly thing and lies that she’s happy if he’s happy.
Speaking of mothers, Janey is back. She’s only on FaceTime, sadly, but she’s wishing Ollie well as he spends his last day as a bachelor whilst lounging around up The Shard.
Janey makes Ollie – and the nation – cry with her boundless optimism and words of love.
Somehow, between a few episodes ago and now, James has inherited a family business and started dressing like a middle class American banker from a Lifetime Christmas movie.
Having been unbothered about settling down with Maeva a couple of weeks ago, he has now chosen to demonstrate to her that he is all for it.
Back on: Sam and Zara meet on a bench and he tells her they can get back together. Zara smiles smugly and then cries (obviously) without tears (also obviously)
Whilst walking their dog, James produces an envelope for Maeva, containing a blank sheet of paper. This is, he explains, to prove they are ‘on the same page’. A blank, wordless, generic page.
Sam and Zara meet on a bench and he tells her they can get back together. Zara smiles smugly and then cries (obviously) without tears (also obviously).
Liv is dressed like Miss Scarlet from Cluedo for Ollie’s wedding. This is a good thing. All she’s missing is a lead pipe. Tristan pops by The Shard to give her a gift. While it’s not a lead pipe, it’s a bracelet with the word ‘crumbs’ engraved on it, because she says it a lot.
‘I feel like that’s our word,’ Tristan says, despite never uttering it before in his life.
He then makes a tenuous link by saying ‘I thought “crumbs” in my head the first time I realised I might quite like you!’.
How wonderfully lukewarm, Tristan.
At the Natural History Museum, it’s time for the big ceremony.
Sophie makes a late entrance, of course, in a satin red gown. Binky is there, in powder-pink. Everyone has to wear masks but it kind of gives a masquerade ball feel to proceedings and actually works very well.
Liv fondles her ‘crumbs’ bracelet as she watches Ollie and Gareth descend the candlelit steps.
Ollie’s a bit of a wreck, Gareth is nervously laughing. They’re in his’n’his tuxedos.
Binky does a speech about how only Ollie could pull off the wedding of the century amid a global pandemic. She references Hope – the blue whale that is perilously-suspended above the small congregation.
‘She is the perfect symbol. Hope is what we all need right now. And Hope is what you both so beautifully demonstrate,’ she says.
The boys say their vows and there’s not a dry eye in sight.
‘Although it wasn’t love at first sight, I have grown and witnessed a man that I was destined to be in love with,’ Gareth tells Ollie.
Ollie adds: ‘I remember writing at the end of my very first book “If you’re out there love, hurry up”. And you were already there!’
As they’re declared husband and husband, Made In Chlesea reminds us that, even in 2020, love wins.