Following The Reg‘s recent exclusive coverage of the growing cicada threat to humanity, we can now reveal that US President Joe Biden narrowly missed being literally decapitated by a lone cicada assassin.
Biden was yesterday seen fighting off his hexapod assailant as he attempted to board Air Force One, before flying across the Atlantic to escape the Brood X swarm currently besieging Washington DC and much of the rest of America’s Eastern Seaboard.
As we explained on Tuesday, the amassing of insects around DC may have constituted a final do-or-die push for survival by the Brood X cicadas, whose volume has dropped in recent manifestations due to human development reducing the numbers of trees they require at different stages of their lengthy life cycle.
However, it seems US authorities pre-empted the insect insurrection and extracted Biden from the area on the pretext of a visit to the G7 conference being held in Cornwall, UK, before the cicada hivemind could gather enough wing-soldiers to fully overwhelm the potent but ultimately disarrayed human defences facing them.
One lone cicada zealot managed to get to the president and land on his neck before he boarded his plane, presumably in an attempt to bite off his head or cut his throat, but was subdued by a swat of the hand before it managed to do any damage.
Displaying the disorientation which can accompany a near-death experience – or just the healthy, normal disorientation that comes with being a 78-year-old man doing the world’s most stressful job – after dealing with his attacker, Biden advised the watching press: “Watch out for the cicadas. It got me. I got one.”
The wisdom of this advice was later borne out to the assembled journalists when a larger contingent of cicada forces grounded an aircraft that had been allocated to fly the White House press corp out to follow President Biden to the UK.
Whether due to frustration at allowing Biden to escape and his plane to depart unhindered, or perhaps in spiteful retaliation for this publication warning the US authorities of the impending cicada menace, the Brood X swarm attacked the press plane in numbers and prevented it from taking off.
No humans were harmed in the attack, although the aircraft’s engines were reportedly filled with cicadas and a replacement plane and crew had to be swapped in, leading to the press pack’s take-off being delayed for over seven hours. The Register had declined to send a reporter on this particular trip due to the possibility of recriminations from Brood X for Tuesday’s article.
None the worse for his close call with death, President Biden’s plane landed safely at RAF Mildenhall in Suffolk on Wednesday evening, before flying on to Newquay and the G7 summit, where the president will spend a pleasant few days waiting for the danger at home to pass.
The attack on Biden and the free press comes only days after Vice President Kamala Harris survived an attempt by a number of cicadas to board her Air Force 2 aircraft shortly before it departed for Guatemala. The insectoid agents had secreted themselves in folds of other passengers’ clothing and only the sharp eyes of the secret service saved the VP from what would have surely been an in-flight assassination attempt.
The dangers of lone cicada agents was also graphically spelled out when a driver in Cincinnati, Ohio, crashed into a telephone pole and totalled his car after a large cicada flew in through an open window and hit him in the face. The driver sustained minor injuries while the cicada, clearly on a suicide mission, was declared “dead at the scene.” ®