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CRAIG BROWN: The Crown’s a bit fishy… by Lady Anne Chovy

Sir: I too was left astonished by inaccuracies in the second episode of The Crown.

I refer, of course, to the scene in which Princess Margaret was being savaged by a great white shark while holidaying in Mustique. 

As her body was being swallowed up, she could clearly be seen to be wearing the Poltimore Tiara.

This is utterly absurd. The Princess kept the Poltimore Tiara — which she purchased at auction for £5,500 in 1959 — under lock and key at Kensington Palace. She would never have dreamt of taking it to her holiday residence, still less on a swimming expedition.

CRAIG BROWN: I refer, of course, to the scene in which Princess Margaret was being savaged by a great white shark while holidaying in Mustique

Yours faithfully, Lady Anne Chovy

Sir: I share your previous correspondent’s distress at the hideous inaccuracies of The Crown.

Imagine my horror when, in Episode 3, at the moment when the Queen Mother pulls a gun on Princess Diana and screams: ‘Now, I’m going to teach you some manners, girl!’, Princess Anne can clearly be seen in the background tucking into a plate of what looked suspiciously to me like devilled kidneys.

Surely everyone knows the Royal Family never have devilled kidneys for breakfast at Balmoral, but only at Windsor Castle. 

This rule was first established by Prince Albert in 1858. It has been adhered to by all subsequent generations.

Rumour has it that, in a later episode, the screenwriter Peter Morgan plans to have the Royal Family shooting devilled kidneys as they fly through the air at Sandringham on a crisp autumn morning. 

I pray to God this is not to be. The season for shooting devilled kidneys is January to March. Devilled kidneys famously spend the autumn in the Balearics.

Yours faithfully, R. Madillo

Sir: As a staunch royalist, I, too, have been mortally offended by the untruths peddled in The Crown.

I refer, of course, to the production’s treatment of the Prince of Wales. In Episode 9, as the Prince emerges from 10 Rillington Place bearing a corpse in a sack over his shoulders, his walking shoes are scuffed and dirty. 

The ignorant viewer would be left with the firm impression that the Prince of Wales takes little or no interest in his footwear.

Of course, nothing could be further from the truth. The Prince has twice been the recipient of the prestigious Second Best Dressed British Male award by GQ magazine, and is the three-times winner of the Most Highly Polished Shoes (International) Gold Cup, proudly sponsored by Everest Windows.

One more thing. In Episode 4, Ruth, Lady Fermoy says ‘Pardon me’ before attempting to push Princess Diana off the White Cliffs of Dover. 

As a personal friend of Ruth, Lady Fermoy, and as someone who often used to accompany her to those cliffs in similar circumstances, I can vouch for the fact that she would never have uttered such a common phrase. 

Instead, she would say ‘My sincere apologies’, or simply ‘Sorry’, before performing the necessary deed. When ‘dealing with people’ her manners were always impeccable.

Yours etc, The Hon. Nora Bone

Sir: I take grave exception to the portrait of investment banking in the current BBC drama series Industry. 

The so-called ‘sex scenes’ are beneath contempt. I was an investment banker for the best part of 40 years. 

Neither I nor my colleagues would ever have invited anyone into our kitchens in order to tear their clothes off, leaving them unfolded on the floor ready to indulge in inappropriate behaviour on a ‘work surface’. 

In those days, kitchens were kitchens, and we treated them as such.

Yours sincerely, Hal E. Butt.

Sir: As a close friend of the late Cruella de Vil, I have been horrified by her treatment in recent films, television programmes and pantomimes. 

Cruella has been portrayed as unpleasant and vindictive, particularly towards dalmatians. In fact, she was very kindly and she loved dogs. 

She would never have bred them in order to sell their skins. Such behaviour was alien to her nature.

I was also firm friends with the so-called ‘Wicked Witch’, who has been unfairly portrayed in innumerable shows. 

She was neither wicked, nor a witch. Instead, she had a ready smile for everyone, devoted herself to charity work, and was regularly praised for her sterling work for the Women’s Institute.

Yours sincerely, Orson Carte

Sir: As the great white shark in the second episode of The Crown, I am greatly upset by the way my actions were portrayed. 

It was not I who attacked Princess Margaret, but the other way round. Royal or not, that woman had no manners.

Yours etc, Diana Jaws (Miss)


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