PIERS MORGAN: An egomaniac father? Me? You’ve just written yourself out of my will, son 

Friday, July 30

Education Secretary Gavin ‘I’ve done a whoopsie!’ Williamson, the man who makes his doppelgänger Frank Spencer sound like Einstein, is spending £4 million rolling out Latin in state schools.

‘We know Latin has a reputation as an elitist subject which is only reserved for the privileged few,’ he said, ‘but the subject can bring so many benefits to young people, so I want to put an end to that divide.’

Like so much that comes out of Williamson’s mouth, this is patronising claptrap.

I studied Latin for nine years of my life, at private and state schools, and, other than being able to show off by conjugating amo, amas, amat at dinner parties, and understanding Arsenal’s club motto, Victoria Concordia Crescit (Victory Through Harmony), I can’t think of a single tangible benefit from all those thousands of hours of wasted learning.

Rather like Williamson himself, this initiative is therefore inexplicably pointless.

In language he appears keen for us all to understand: Stultus est sicut stultus facit (stupid is as stupid does).


Monday, August 2

It’s now been three weeks since I went down with Covid, and I still feel as rough as a badger’s backside, with chronic fatigue and a lack of taste/smell.

Many friends have also recently had the virus, with varying severity, as the Delta variant spreads like wildfire.

They include singer James Blunt, who caught it just before he was due to perform several UK shows last week and fought an extraordinary battle to avoid cancelling them.

James Blunt (above), caught Covid just before he was due to perform several UK shows last week and fought an extraordinary battle to avoid cancelling them

‘It’s a worse experience than I expected,’ he told me. ‘I was fine with the fever, but then it moved into my lungs, breathing became much harder and I could barely talk − only cough. 

And I had concerts in Bournemouth and the Royal Albert Hall at the end of the week. In the hours before the shows, I could not string a sentence together for coughing. I literally couldn’t talk and was fairly terrified. 

But we found a major flaw in the virus. It may have silenced my talking, but if I took enough steroids, inhalers, anti-inflammatories and antacids in the hour before the shows, then I could sing.’

Obviously, I explained to James, the real major flaw in the virus is that it still allowed him to sing.

But it’s been fascinating to hear how different the Covid experience is for many people.

In fact, the only side effect we shared was a positive one: weight loss.

He’s shed 4kg and I’ve dropped 2kg.


Tuesday, August 3

An amusing Covid conspiracy- theory-mocking meme is doing the rounds depicting four speech bubbles coming from the Titanic, as if it had sunk this year.

1) ‘First, they said unsinkable, now they say we’re sinking? Why should we believe them?’

2) ‘I don’t see an iceberg! Nobody I know saw an iceberg!’

3) ‘The hole in the ship is below the waterline? Oh, that’s convenient! Hoax!’

4) ‘The crisis was made up by the lifeboat industry! You can’t make me get in a lifeboat. I have rights!’

I laughed, but it’s not remotely funny how this crazy mindset has deterred so many gullible people from having an incredibly safe vaccine to end a pandemic.

Nor do I have a clue how best to tackle the whack jobs like David Icke and Piers Corbyn who are spreading this nonsense.

The problem with conspiracy theorists is they don’t just think they’re right – they KNOW they’re right. So arguing with them is futile. They think WE’RE the lunatics.


Wednesday, August 4

On Meghan Markle’s 40th birthday, I can’t think of a gift that will bring more unbridled joy to the Pinocchio Princess than an item that appeared in her local newspaper in California, The Montecito Journal.

The paper’s star columnist, Richard Mineards, paid me a fulsome tribute, in which he concluded: ‘I have absolutely no doubt Piers will be back on TV screens bigger and better than ever.’

Is that choking on regal oat-milk latte I hear?


Thursday, August 5

Talking of choking, social media snowflakes have continued shrieking at me that getting a silver or bronze medal at the Olympics is winning.

Self-evidently, it’s not, because winners get a gold medal.

To emphasise this point, I tweeted: ‘To all weak, whiny wokies still banging on about why losing at the Olympics is so fantastic and should be wildly celebrated, I present Michael “GOAT” Johnson’s Twitter name & bio.’

I posted a screenshot of BBC pundit Johnson’s immodest profile that boasts the moniker ‘@MJGold’ and the description ‘Olympic and World Champion. 12x Gold, 0x Silver, 0x Bronze’.

To my dismay, after this sparked inevitable wokie rage – they despise anyone who celebrates victory rather than defeat – the legendary 400m/200m sprinter replied: ‘Putting this to rest! Winning ANY Olympic medal is incredible. I was always favoured for gold, so silver/bronze would be disappointing. But if I were a projected finalist, bronze is a win! Don’t listen to people whose only sport is stirring up sh*t. Regardless of how many followers they have.’

Obviously, it would be churlish to point out that I have nearly eight million followers, compared to Johnson’s 129,700.

But with all due respect to Johnson, he’s talking disingenuous nonsense.

This is a guy who used to run in gold shoes and once said: ‘Not winning golds would not have been a success, that would have been a failure.’

I much prefer the honesty of British boxer Ben Whittaker, who declined to wear his silver medal and explained: ‘You don’t win silver, you lose gold. I’m very disappointed – I feel like a failure. You’re in this game to win gold. Nobody trains for silver or bronze.’

Exactly. And if you do, then you’re training to lose.


Friday, August 6

‘Thank God I watched Succession (Brian Cox as patriarch Logan Roy, above), otherwise I’d never have known what it’s like to live as the child of an overly opinionated egomaniac.'

‘Thank God I watched Succession (Brian Cox as patriarch Logan Roy, above), otherwise I’d never have known what it’s like to live as the child of an overly opinionated egomaniac.’

The gold medal for Twitter zingers goes to my actor son Stanley, 24, who wrote himself out of my will by saying: ‘Just finished series one of Succession – thank God I watched it, otherwise I’d never have known what it’s like to live as the child of an overly opinionated egomaniac who loves the sound of his own voice.’ 

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