Jana Hocking: Should you tell your married friend if you see their partner on a dating app?

This week I spotted my very sweet friend’s husband on a dating app… and what I did next will leave most of you outraged, writes JANA HOCKING

  • Jana Hocking spotted her friend’s husband on a dating app  
  • She decided not to tell his wife about seeing him on there  
  • ‘Cheating is never black and white,’ Jana says  

I was recently faced with a moral dilemma. 

I was scrolling Bumble when I came across a profile of a guy I know. A very married guy I know. Not to completely stereotype someone, but he is exactly the kinda guy you would expect to see popping on to a dating app for a bit of a sneaky peak at what is on offer outside his marriage.

I was faced with a decision… do I screen shot his profile and reveal all to his very sweet wife, or scroll on and say nothing?

It opened a pandoras box of questions… would his wife want to know? Would I be single-handedly destroying their marriage? Is it my place to interfere?

I took the screenshots and then had a deep ponder. I asked a very close friend I could trust with a secret like this. Heck I even googled the answer.

Jana Hocking (pictured) was scrolling a dating app when she came across a profile of a guy she knows

And after roughly 24 hours of sitting with this information, I came up with an answer. It was a definite no. I would not tell his wife.

Now, many of you will be outraged by this. Especially anyone who has been cheated on before, or currently have their suspicions. But my reasoning is very simple.

Cheating is never black and white.

Unless I literally walked in on him uploading his photos to a dating website do I really know if it was him? How do I know that it’s actually cheating – perhaps, like a lot of couples right now, they’ve decided to try out being in an open marriage? You would be surprised by the seemingly innocent couples who are currently ENM (ethically non monogamous).

Seriously, after I wrote about my own ethically non monogamous experience, I was inundated by friends who admitted (under the cloak of secrecy) that they were in ENM marriages. Shook I tell you!

Is your partner cheating on you?  Relationship expert reveals the key signs to look out for


* Staying back at work more often

* Looking more animated on the phone

* Increased and suspicious social media use

* Being manscaped or waxed to perfection

* Lines like ‘I just need some time alone’ are used more frequently

* Talking about a new person at work or at golf before mentions of this person suddenly stop


* They will tell you they love you a lot more but not show it 

* They will have moments of guilt and buy you unexpected gifts

* They will take you to nice places but the conversation is stifled 

* They put uncharacteristic distance down to being ‘stressed at work’ 


* They are harder to detect because they have mastered their craft 

* They go out of their way to tell you that their ex was insecure and that they have friends of the opposite sex 

* They get defensive when you ask about their night or who they were with 

* They will confess their undying love for you and in the same breath suggest you get help as you are ruining the relationship with your insecurities 

* They use lines like ‘why are you being so insecure all of a sudden?’ 

I even had a couple in my friendship group hit me up for some fun. Flattering… but sadly not my type.

There’s another situation that puts the whole ‘cheating’ thing into a grey area. I’m discovering that often in couples, one loses interest in sex and doesn’t mind if the other ventures out to find it elsewhere, they just never address it.


Would you tell your friend if you saw their partner on a dating app?

  • Yes 0 votes
  • No 1 votes
  • I’m not sure 0 votes

Weirdly, or perhaps not so, this seems to work for many long-term couples.

So what about other examples of cheating… Say for example the colleagues in your office who you know are married to other people but constantly go for coffee together, or leave work events together, or just seem to have a very strong bond. Your gut tells you they’re cheating, and everyone in the office is gossiping about it, but should their partners be made aware? Once again, I think no.

Unless you catch them red-handed in the act, I really don’t think it’s your place. You can’t set off a bomb in someone’s life without rock solid evidence. You see, I speak from experience. I was told by someone that my former partner was cheating, and I wanted to know all the facts.

Where? When? How long for? The problem was this person had no proof. Just that there were ‘whispers’. This sent me into an absolute spiral. I ended up going through his phone, becoming deeply paranoid when he came home late, turning up to his boys nights to see if he was flirting with anyone. It drove me absolutely bonkers. I didn’t recognise the person I was becoming.

It opened a pandoras box of questions… would his wife want to know? Would I be single-handedly destroying their marriage? Is it my place to interfere?

It opened a pandoras box of questions… would his wife want to know? Would I be single-handedly destroying their marriage? Is it my place to interfere?

Does your profile remain active on dating apps if you delete the app? 

On most apps, you need to delete your profile, not just the app, to stop appearing in feeds. However, you’re more likely to appear if you have been active recently. 


Deleting, uninstalling or removing the Hinge app won’t automatically delete your profile – you could still be visible to other users. 


If you’ve deleted the app, your profile will still exist online. However, the less you use Tinder the less you appear in people’s searchers. According to Tinder, if your account has been inactive for more than seven days, you won’t be visible at all. 


Bumble will keep your profile active for 24 hours after deleting the app. If you see someone on Bumble, it’s because they’ve used the app in the last 30 days. 

Once you’ve toggled off Date Mode, you will be prompted with a message to let you know that your dating profile will be permanently deleted and all of your connections will be erased in Date mode. 

So if you are going to tell someone’s partner they are cheating you have to be prepared to present your case. Because without evidence you can quickly be deemed a trouble-maker. Whether your heart is in the right place or not.

Sure, the saying ‘where there’s smoke there’s fire’ is correct but judging from the amount of friendships I’ve seen spoiled by someone speaking up, I now want to see the actual fire before I get out my megaphone.

Now on the flip side, I believe there are times you should tell a partner. For example, when you know they are being gaslit. If you’ve seen your bestie’s boyfriend trying to crack on to a girl in a bar, I think you are within your rights to mention it. Especially if she’s already had her doubts and he’s constantly telling her ‘she’s crazy’. That’s just saving your bestie a lot of therapy bills later on. Have we learnt nothing from MAFS people?

But should you find yourself in a situation where knowledge has kinda/sorta come to light… I would suggest you make sure you’ve got a sturdy set of facts in front of you before you drop that bomb. Otherwise, you could find yourself in the firing line instead, and let’s keep our drama for those fabulous reality shows – it’s not so much fun in real life.

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