TELL HER YOU LOVE HER AT WORK
Many women worry that their partners don’t think about them enough. So if you’re at work and you’re thinking about her, be sure to let her know.
Maybe send her something nice, such as a steamy text or, even better, some flowers.
Then when you get home, don’t just kiss her. Instead, let her know you missed her. Inhale the scent of her hair. Hold her, press her body to yours and linger there a while. If she responds with enthusiasm, embrace her passionately.
Just remember, it’s ok to enjoy a moment of mutual arousal together even if you’re not planning to have sex. In sex therapy, we call that ‘simmering’. Sometimes simmering can be more important than sex.
Many couples tell me that feeling this mutual desire can be more important to them than sex itself.
THINK PASSION, NOT TECHNIQUE
Yes, it’s nice to know what your partner likes. But make sure you’re not doing it just to please her. Make sure there’s some passion in it for you, too. After all, passion is selfish. Your partner wants to know that you’re turned on too.
Dr Stephen Snyder tells couples to make sure there’s some passion in it for you as passion is selfish and not to dive into sex headfirst, spending a few minutes together doing ‘absolutely nothing’ first (stock photo)
I always ask men, ‘When you touch your partner, are you doing it for your pleasure or for hers?’ Most men say, ‘For hers, of course! Isn’t that what I’m supposed to do?’
Unfortunately, doing it simply for her pleasure can get pretty boring after a while. Whatever you do, make sure it turns you on as well! Real passion can be the biggest turn-on of all.
CONSIDER THE BIG O AS PUDDING
It’s nice to give a woman the opportunity to have an orgasm. But it’s important not to make her feel under pressure to climax.
As a sex therapist, I tell people that one road to orgasm is the ‘high road’, where you’re just enjoying feeling excited — kind of lost in the moment — then orgasm simply happens at the end, like dessert at the end of a really good meal.
At a restaurant, you don’t sit down to eat already thinking about pudding; you enjoy the starter and main course on their own terms. Hey, you might not have a pudding at all. Sex should be like that, too.
It’s best to ask your partner how important an orgasm is to her because women do vary. But lots of women tell me feeling desired is much more important.
Dr Stephen adds that men should tell their partners they love them at work and tells couples to go to bed together, take off their clothes … and do nothing at all (stock photo)
DON’T JUST DIVE IN HEADFIRST
Are ‘sex dates’ a good idea? Not always. You might take off your clothes and go to bed at the appointed hour but you’re not excited at all. That’s just a recipe for bad sex, right?
Instead, I tell couples to make an appointment to go to bed together, take off their clothes … and do absolutely nothing at all.
Most of us spend so much time thinking and doing, that we wouldn’t know a sensuous moment if it hit us over the head. But if you first spend a few minutes together doing absolutely nothing, your mind has a chance to shift from thinking and doing to something we call ‘awareness’.
Awareness is where all the good stuff happens. By the way, don’t worry about desire. That comes and goes and you can’t force it. What you can do, though, is be open to inspiration. After all, you never know where that will come from — a certain view of her body, a moment of laughter together. Make sure you cultivate awareness first. That way, when inspiration strikes, you’ll be ready.
DR Stephen Snyder is the author of Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex In A Long-Lasting Relationship (St Martin’s Press).